Exploring Korea

Teaching English in Japan has bestowed countless opportunities to explore and experience new things. These experiences have given me a new perspective which was only possible when I decided to move to Japan. I've experienced personal growth as well as internal setbacks, all magnified in a foreign country. I'm so grateful for these last two and half years; the friends made and the new experiences cultivated.

At the beginning of November I made the short two hour plane hop to Seoul, Korea. When I came to Japan two and half years ago, I planned to live in Japan just one year (amazing in retrospect how long a year seemed then). Despite the brevity of my stay in Asia, Korea was the foreign country I wanted to explore. It's so close to Japan and several people close to me have lived in Korea and grown to love it. While I ended up first going to several other Asian countries first, I'm grateful I finally had the chance to check out Korea.

Visiting Korea was a definitive highlight since coming to Japan, primarily because some college friends I reconnected with living in Korea made it so special. Jackson Tandy and his new wife, April, moved to Incheon, a large suburb Southeast of Seoul, this past February to teach English. Another friend, Gwehen Jun, moved back to Korea after our college years intersected in Oklahoma.

The Tandy's were incredibly generous to me, letting me take over their living room, loaning their shower, taking me to the cool sites, restaurants and trails, and brewing up coffee and amazing, healthy breakfasts every morning. They've since inspired me to include many more vegetables in my breakfasts. It was awesome to be with a couple friends in Asia so health conscious. Our conversations flowed concerning how we eat and live to remain healthy in Asia.

Since college, our lives have taken several similar paths. Neither of us had ambitions to come to Asia. Jackson, stacked endless Little Caesar Pizza boxes in his college apartment and I pursued the cafeteria food in a similar aggression, but for varying reasons, we have both come around to improving our diets. Jackson has also become an avid trail runner so it was fun to join him for a few runs. Jackson also shared some of his favorite podcasts which I have since adopted as my own. The remaining afterglow of my Korea trip is the Tandy's hospitality, adventurous outlook on the future, and the possibilities open when we pursue our passions.

Another great part of Korea is, while neighboring Japan, it isn't Japan. It was refreshing to get away for a long weekend. I was at peace communicating in only English and body language with Koreans when I needed to. Being a resident in a foreign country and traveling to a new country for a few days are two quite different things. While I enjoy aspects of the gentle, polite Japanese, it was refreshing to see a slightly more aggressive culture. As I halfway joke with my closest friends in Japan, we live in the least charismatic culture in the world (to be fair this is one of the effects of having such a group oriented culture, one in which standing apart means you need to be fixed rather than appreciated). On the trains in Korea, passengers would listen to music unplugged and show mild affection for their loved ones. When asking for directions, a stranger grabbed me by the arm and physically led me to my correct train entrance. In comparison, little things like this rarely happen in adjacent Japan. It was rather mild differences which reminded me I wasn't in Japan.

The food is quite different for a country so close as well. The koreans appreciate spicy foods (kimchi being the most famous.) Seoul also has some of the best barbeque in the world and impressive, festive street food. Traveling to the foreign district of Seoul on a Monday, it was effortless to find any flavor my tastebuds craved, I chose some delicious Mexican burritos, similar to Chipotle.

On Sunday, Jackson and I met up with Gwehen and went on a beautiful hike in the colorful autumn hills of Seoul (pictures below). We had soothing Americanos after our hike and Gwehen took Jackson and I out for some more wonderful Korean Barbeque. It was awesome to see Gwehen, it's been way too long!

From the kitchen in the crisp mornings to the autumn decorated trails, it was awesome to talk about future endeavors and plans here in Asia. I'm grateful for the opportunity to reconnect with Jackson and Gwehen, meet April and discuss the struggles living in Asia, the adventures and the passions we have for the future.

This life is such an amazing adventure and no one needs to remember this more than I.

Surgery in Japan!

Yesterday my good friend Hiro taught me a Japanese phrase I love , "Kami Sama no Heiwa ga arimasu yo ni" meaning "God's peace be with you".

***
So I was thinking of what I could blog about and I decided, why not have surgery while conscious so I could write up the experience and share it with all of you? So last Thursday I did.

And what an enlightening experience it's been. I've had a mysterious fat growth just below and inside of my left buttocks (not sure how else to explain it). I finally decided to have it taken out... for your reading pleasure.

Atsushi Tsuneki helped me out so much, taking me to the arduous and aplenty doctor visits. Atsushi took me to most of the doctor appointments pre and post surgery and translating. He even sat behind a curtain during the surgery just in case he was needed, despite his disdain for blood. Joel Osborne also took me to a post surgery appointment and then hung out with me. Mason and Jordan have made me feel like a popular 19 year old girl, post wisdom teeth operation, with all the gifts and kindness which almost makes the process worth it all (sans their visit later that night as they laughed uncontrollably at my awkward bandages like a little catdog with one of those cones on its neck...I can't blame them)

The day of the surgery, I expected some of the nurses and doctors to speak some English in correlation to their highly skilled careers. Their secondary language skilled proved little correlation, they didn't speak any English, and I don't think they were faking it like some Japanese people are apt to pretend.

The surgical room was noticeably cold. I quizzically lied down on the bed, face down with my arms against the armrests and my nervous hands gripping the ends like it could pacify my nerves, hoping I was doing everything as they desired.

In Japanese, the doctors informed me they would insert the local anastasia, then quickly thereafter told me they'd make the preliminary incision. On multiple occasions, doctors and nurses asked me if it was painful in their primary language, each time I would reply with the negative. It wasn't so much as painful as uncomfortable; the most uncomfortable, strange 35 minutes of my life. At one point one of the nurses asked her colleagues the English word for "Kibun", after some silence, I nervously replied,  "feel".

I never thought to open my eyes. In the middle of the surgery, a kind nurse told me in English, to "relax", referring to my hands gripping the armrests. I was aware of my hands, it was just an uneasy feeling as the surgeon squashed his hands into my vulnerable flesh. Next I could feel them sewing me up, the pulls and twists undeniable despite the local anastasia's desensitization. I was thankful they play a lot of video games in Japan, I'm sure his childhood vocation helped my doctors keen finger dexterity.

A calm, masculine Japanese voice informed me the surgery was almost over. Five minutes later, they told me the words I was anxiously holding out for, "Owari". I opened my eyes, forgetting they were ever closed. Despite the chill room temperature the staff were surprised to see the amount of sweat I had left on the surgery bed. The kind, young and always serious surgeon showed me the bloody fat mass, about the size of an egg. It was bigger than I thought. It looked like an organ had been wrangled out of my body.

"Oh my God, oh my God"

It think he understood those words.

And thank you God, the surgery is over and only these stitches, bandages and memories remain.


***
As soon as I timidly walked off the surgery table I felt down due to my inability to adequately thank the doctors and nurses. Sure I can say "Arigato" but something more authentic than that. They were all so compassionate. My nervousness with the relatively minor surgery itself contributed, but more than that, the language barrier didn't allow me to demonstrate my appreciation.

Kami Sama no Heiwa ga arimasu yo ni

Pre surgery picture with one of the nurses. 

Post surgery, returning home with Atsushi

My little Japanese sister Hono wears shirts with my name on them. Samantha??...

Climbing Fuji San

The second ascent of Fuji was long and grand. I climbed Fuji san my first summer in Japan, two years ago. The all night hike messed me up pretty good, just days prior to my Dad's business trip arrival in Tokyo, Japan. When I informed my Dad of my second Fuji plans he just asked in his signature, sinister wise Tom Hinds, intonation, "Why?" 

"Because it was still there, I guess." I didn't really didn't have a quality answer.

The second adventure turned out to be grand. I was in Tokyo for a teacher's trip and from there met our group of a couple dozen, made up of a few English teacher friends, a handful of Ibaraki Christian University students and lead by Patrick Stephens a professor of IC, at 4:00 pm. From there, we took a 2 hour bus to Mount Fuji and began the hike at 9:00 pm to make the ascent by sunrise at 4:41.

The friends, old and new, made Fuji fun. You meet the coolest, kindest people on the mountain. I met three sisters from Nagano just before departing, but left for the safer confounds of our group, when they actually thought my Japanese was good. I met another Japanese girl who had studied at Portland State for a year, and another young guy wearing flip flops, a tank top and anchored with a long beard, who looked like he could be from Portland, but turned out to be New Zealand. And I met some terrific people in our group.

Usually, my competitive side kicks in and I want to go as fast as possible, but this time, I wanted to just enjoy the people and the moment. I hiked up with English teachers Cameron Sutherland, Taryn Parker and Daniel Wheat. We went up at a slow, patient pace. It was great getting to know them better.

I ended up leaving the group, scampering to the top just in time to see the majestic sunrise:

I ended up leaving the group, scampering to the top just in time to see the majestic sunrise:

The descent was tough; the steep switch back volcanic ash and rock constantly jammed my toes into the front of my shoes. The 7 am sun penetrated like the middle of the afternoon and the sleepless night compounded it all into a slugfest. 

But the people made the beauty of it all come alive. I hiked down with four IC college girls who had never hiked anything before. After hiking up all night, they didn't complain at all during the descent and as English majors their English was really impressive (making their lack of complaints even more impressive). We slowly descended and made the most of it. 

I was at peace to be an encouraging older brother, for both the ascent and descent of the hike. In Japanese older brother is Oniisan. It was nice to play the role of Oniisan. Maybe it took me not being in relatively good shape to not look at Fuji in a competitive manner but rather an opportunity to encourage those I was with. 

Indeed, the majesty of Fuji San came alive amidst the beauty of the relationships formed.

***

Pictures are below, assume the good ones were taken by Daniel Wheat. Our group of AET's have immense creative talent. I should have taken more time to make this blog post better but tomorrow morning I'm off to Perth, Australia to see my Brother and Laura!

post fuji symptoms

It's been a while...a blog!

It's been a few months since I've posted. Spanning April to June, a lot of the blame could be placed on the NBA playoffs.

In April, I began my third year in Japan. It's been a lot of fun getting to know my current 5th and 6th graders, kids who were just 3rd and 4th graders when I came to Japan. My Japanese is limited, and I still slowly developing as an English teacher, and I can communicate a lot better than when I first came. (plodding through my progression in Japanese has taught me a lot about grace).

There are handfuls of stories I will stick in my back pocket and always strand there. While at a convenience store, a 6th grade boy, Ryounosuke,who does not like English, (he tells me so) approached me to say hi and talk. I'm glad my students feel more comfortable around me, my job can at times feel shallow since it is hard to talk with kids about things that really matter with the language barrier.

A while back, on a morning at school, one of the more athletic 6th grade boys at my other school just said, "54" to me. I was confused at first. Then he pointed at me and said "51" and I laughed when I realized what was going on.

On the previous Tuesday, I had a free period and joined my 5th graders PE class, they were seeing how far they could throw a softball. They were really impressed when I threw the ball 51 meters. It's a difficult balance for me; I'm quite competitive when it comes to sports (more so than I've ever realized in the past), even with my kids. So I made sure to throw the small ball far enough to beat all my 5th grade boys.

But, I hadn't thought my distance would get back to the other students.

It did. And my 6th grader greeted me with some friendly trash talk about it. I'll have the last word on Shinta when track season rolls around. I know, I know... I have issues.

On Saturday night I will climb Mount Fuji for the second time. I hope I can be an encouragement to everyone I hike up with and take more pictures than I did two years ago.

****

Mason, Daniel and Cameron camping on the beach

running to a beach festival with my best friends

My backyard in Uchihara. I've been jogging up this mountain to train some for Mount Fuji (The highest point in Japan) this weekend

Youth day at the Mito Church. Nao and Kazuyo are a couple 9th grade girls who had good friend Kendon Murrell as an AET from 2nd to 6th grade. Really impressive girls with terrific English!

Pictures really do say a thousand words...

My first hike up Fuji San two years ago. The view says it all.

Yokoyama Sensei came to speak to all 39 English teachers in the city today. She was the first Japanese teacher to teach with English speakers in the classroom 27 years ago. She also taught with Shaun Phelps at the Junior high level.

Transitions

In Japan the fiscal year begins on April 1st, the school calendar also begins on April 1st. After a two week break for the kids, they begin the new school year. At the beginning of each school year, the principal assigns the teachers with new grades and in some cases new roles. Also, the district board moves the teachers to different schools. Usually the principal and the vice principal change schools every two years and the homeroom teachers change every 6 or 7 years. Considering the changes within the City's English program as well, which will see eleven of the thirty-nine teachers come and go, March and April is a period marked with transitions.

Earlier this month, one of my schools had it's party for the departing teachers. After the dinner, we had a second party at a karaoke location. (Karaoke, with it's origins in Japan is done very differently in Japan. It's usually a small room and a much more intimate setting). But instead of singing, our group, consisting of all women, mostly middle aged, just had some really fun conversation and ate some more. I left the party just really thankful for the friends I have made in these two years at school. Friends who are incredibly gracious, incredibly gifted, incredibly humble and also so different than I; we don't even have a common language to base our relationship upon (some of these teachers do speak some English, some at rather impressive levels).

A week after this school's enkai (Japanese party), my other school had it's enkai. I was honestly just so tired. Tired due to not sleeping enough. Tired of spending so much time with people who don't speak my language and don't really understand me. (In fact, when I arrived at work Friday morning, a new teacher who speaks the best English in the school and sits across from me kindly simply stated, "you look tired", after which I went to the bathroom mirror to have a look and to my chagrin, discovered he was spot on.) But the dinner Friday night was delicious, I got to visit with many teachers I don't often speak a lot to as well as those I am closer with. Sitting down and talking with the departing cook, Anzo san, who has been at my school for 12 years, was one of the highlights. These parties can be awkward as I often feel like an outsider and am dependent upon their willingness to welcome me. But this night was a lot of fun. After the first party, 7 or 8 of the men went to karaoke and this time we sang a lot. (I sang "Wonderwall" by Oasis, much to their delight).

Even with all of the transitions, when I was told which teachers would be departing, I was also happily surprised to discover a few of my favorite teachers would be staying. I even get to sit in the teachers room next to one of these favorite teachers, an amazing teacher, Saito Sensei. 

It can be difficult on a day to day basis not possessing the ability to communicate well with coworkers, or anyone else for that matter. It's even more difficult when there is something deeper you want to communicate, when you're not sure how to show your appreciation or sadness. And such has been the case concerning departing teachers. A few teachers leaving I will miss dearly, but it's hard to explain because, at best, my communication skills are broken. While you may be reading, and imagining my life being one crazy adventure to the next, sometimes internally, I have wondered if this is the best place to spend my mid 20's. 

New teachers and staff coming in has also been taxing on me because, as I talked about in my sermon, I put too much energy into each new encounter wanting each person to like me, despite my differences. It wears me out. I could benefit from making much more time for prayer and meditation, to help find my deepest identity, instead of the little, fabricated identities I chase after.

****

The NBA playoffs begin tomorrow. This will be the first year since coming to Japan that my Portland Trailblazers will be playing in the playoffs. I've probably been listening to way too many NBA podcasts. Last night I was told at our welcoming party (there have been a lot of parties this month, there was actually another one last night at my other school that I won't be going to because they can be pretty expensive, usually about $80) that next Sunday there is a special day of work I must attend (it sounds like a PTA day, in which the parents come to observe classes, not really sure at this point), but immediately I became elated because it meant I'd get Monday off and I knew Portland would be playing Sunday night in America (Monday morning here), so I'll be able to watch that game along with a few others on the weekends via the NBA league pass on my laptop. The little things...

A few weeks ago, I went to Tokyo for a day trip with one of my best friends, Mason Drumm. Below are a couple great shots he took playing frisbee in one of my favorite places in Japan: Yoyogi Park. It feels great to have a couple of my closest friends in Japan. There are a lot of really good people here.

This is a coffee shop in the middle of the city my friends and I are beginning to frequent more and more. The man pictured above is the owner. Japan generally lacks really good coffee shops, but with how friendly, flexible and patient he is to make anything however you want it, I really like this place. There's even the scent of cigarette smoke, which I find almost endearing now here. 

This is my Acupuncturist, Tanemura Sensei. He invited me and another English teacher, Josh, to have dinner at his favorite Japanese restaurant, but Josh had his own school party that night so it was just me and Tanemura Sensei. It was the best Japanese food I have ever had and Tanemura Sensei took care of the bill. Really interesting and kind man. Probably needs its own blog post. One of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me here. I snapped the photo before he could get out of it :) Even better his work on me has helped me heal and get back on the roads

(some of) The gorgeous, delicious food. Tanemura loved that I loved it, saying I was the first foreigner to really like some of the many dishes (fish guts and such)

I went road biking last week. This is a golf course just west of me. The Sakura trees are in bloom and will likely only last another week before their fickle nature prevails over their beauty.

Kasama, the town west of my town. 

Youth

There are a lot of meetings in Japan. They seem to happen on a daily basis among all of the teachers in the Teachers room. I can't understand a lot of it, but based on the body language of the Japanese teachers and what I can understand, sometimes they don't feel too important. If I'm skilled enough, I'll manage to escape the teachers room to go play outside with the daycare children before the meetings begin.

Yesterday afternoon, I was doing some work in a different room when I was called to the teachers room. When I realized I was called in for a teacher's meeting, I became confused and curious, but hey, I tend to be that way most of the time here.

I'm not always sure if the meetings will last five minutes or a couple hours and this one was the latter version. But it was also different. At the beginning of the meeting, The principal (a woman, which I think is really cool in a culture dominated by males in upper management) appeared to be asking the teachers about some kind of "3S" statement, even calling some of them out about what 3S stood for (Smile, Speed and Smart apparently were the correct answers). About 20 minutes in, as I was minding my own business in the back of the room where my desk is situated, trying to memorize my students names (getting names like Hikaru, Hikara, Hikari, and Hikura straight is quite the task with 600 total students) the principal called my name and asked me to read something in English within one of the meeting booklets.  I didn't know what I was reading, but I began, with the Japanese teacher in charge of English reading the translation into Japanese after each sentence of my English reading. Whatever I found myself reading aloud as I stood at my desk seemed to be pretty wise words.

Last night I looked up the author of the poem. Samuel Ullman, a Jewish-American humanitarian, businessman and poet wrote it at the age of 78 in 1918. The poem became especially famous in Japan, when General Douglas MacArthur hung it up in his office while serving as the Supreme Allied Commander in Japan and frequently referred to it in his speeches.

But I didn't know this when I was reading. But what amazing words I was able to read to all of my teachers. (**It is funny to note that for many of my teachers it was the first chance they had to hear me speak fluent English, my English is usually less fluent and slower when I'm trying to communicate with my teachers. Very few teachers at this school speak much English.)

Below is the version I read, which is a little different than the original version.



Youth by Samuel Ullman

Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind

It is a temper of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.

Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years, people grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair, these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust

Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the star like things and thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite for what next, and the joy and the game of life.

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair

So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, grandeur and power from the earth, from man and from the infinite, so long as you are young

When the wires are all down and the central place of your heart is covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then you are grown old indeed and may God have mercy on your soul

Samuel Ullman

My first sermon

I preached at Mito Church here in Japan on Sunday. I wrote my sermon so it could be translated into Japanese so I thought I'd take the simple step to post the transcript here. It's a lot to read but I figure if you don't, it will personally serve me well when last Sunday fades into a distant memory.

I don't post as regularly on my blog because it takes me so long to write what I want to say. Preparing what I wanted to say in my first sermon took even more time. The sermon posted below consumed my time for several weeks. I met with friends, I bought a commentary on Timothy, I listened to some of my favorite pastors, I prayed over it and it staggered me how, at times, I was void of any useful thoughts on my assigned scripture, 2 Timothy chapter 2. I've been going to church my whole life and it's depressing when you get the feeling the preacher is just up there to fill a 30 minute time slot, as if the church just couldn't find a more creative way to use the time. I wanted to say something thoughtful, something I would be excited to hear. I read one sentence at a time, Atsushi Tsuneki, the preacher, then translated each sentence into Japanese. I am so grateful for his help and translation.

There were a few specific barriers I faced while preparing. The first was the varying demographics at Mito Church. It's a bilingual church of about 100 people from a wide variety of backgrounds and cultures. I wanted to say something relevant, something that spoke to me.

Secondly, I was scheduled to preach two weeks ago but because of a bizarre snow storm, we decided to push back my sermon two weeks until February 23rd so more people could hear. This delay and the scripted nature of the sermon, made me wonder if my sermon would speak to the hearts of the people there, if the spirit would feel near.

Halfway through, I had my doubts. In an age filled with noise, distractions and options, so many options, I often wonder why people keep listening. As this doubt sat there, I realized it wasn't doing much good and just focused on letting my words speak to those who would benefit from it.

Looking back, I do know it did speak. God's word is powerful.

After speaking, a handful of people encouraged me, which I was grateful for. My favorite memory following my sermon was hearing from Ooyama-san, an 81 year old faithful Japanese lady. Our interaction is usually limited to a simple Japanese greeting. Through the help of my Japanese teacher Keiko, she showed me the page and a half of notes she had taken of my sermon and told me she has been taking notes for 50 years! It was great to hear more of her story. It's mind numbing to think a 26 year old's English sermon can speak to an 81 year Japanese lady.

2 Timothy 2 1-13
"Finding Our Strength In the Grace of Jesus Christ"

This morning, let's look at an insightful passage from Paul to his young friend Timothy which focuses on preserving the Gospel. This is likely the last letter Paul wrote. Unlike the relatively pleasant prison he writes from at the end of Acts, we are told Paul is in chains (1:16. 2:9), suffering from deep loneliness (4:9) and expects to be executed in the near future. Paul writes his dear young friend, encouraging Timothy to wholeheartedly teach the Gospel and entrust the Gospel to others, at any cost, even if it leads Timothy to the same lonely, suffering state Paul finds himself in. These last letters to Timothy are some of the most human writings in the New Testament,. Through all of Paul's struggles and suffering he retains his joy in the Lord.

Paul writes Timothy about really difficult and vital matters. Paul has a bold personality. On the other hand, Timothy has a timid, shy and weak personality, like we see from so many other famous men and women in the Bible. I can relate to these tendencies in Timothy because I also struggle with these characteristics. From the beginning of 2 Timothy chapter 2, Paul gets to the heart of the matter, encouraging Timothy to "be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus" (verse 2). It is so easy to search for strength and joy within ourselves, within our families, within our jobs, within our nationality, in our possessions, it is how we are taught to survive. Paul is commanding Timothy to have a joy much greater, much more satisfying, at the expense of Timothy's own personal comfort. Paul calls Timothy to a mission requiring Timothy to lose himself to spread the greatest message ever told, the message of the Gospel. As Jesus said, "whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" (Matthew 10:39).

It would have been ridiculous if Paul had commanded Timothy to simply "be strong", to pull up his boot straps and be obedient. And often, this is what Christians tell themselves and tell others in their struggles. But Paul encourages Timothy to "be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus". What does it mean to be "strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus"? When life gets tough, where do you find your strength?


Beginning in verse four, Paul creates three metaphors to help a timid Timothy lead the Church. Let's examine these three metaphors:
The first is that of a soldier. When a soldier enlists in the military, he understands his mission. The soldier does not attempt to live like a civilian. The soldier makes sacrifices due to the nature of his commitment. The soldier understands difficult trials will come due to his commitment. As a Christian, we must remember we are living for Jesus Christ and must not back down when suffering comes our way.

In the second metaphor, that of an athlete, Paul is reminding Timothy not to take the easy way out. It is because we live in Christ that we live in accordance with Christ and his teachings.

The third metaphor, that of a farmer, illustrates that we must be willing to do hard work as disciples of Christ.

Upon reading, initially these three metaphors may seem like Paul is advocating a salvation based on effort and our own good work; being good enough that God will accept us. But this could not be farther from the truth. Paul again directs Timothy in verse 8 to, "Remember Jesus Christ". Starting in verse 11 of chapter 2, Paul writes Timothy an early proverb to meditate on and be encouraged by when trials and suffering come:

"If we have died with him, we will also live with Him;
If we endure, we will also reign with Him;
If we deny him, He will also deny us;
If we are faithless, He will remain faithful;
For He cannot deny himself

It's a great passage to learn by heart, to share, to meditate on and to repeat under your breath when everything in your life is falling apart or when temptation to follow your natural comforts is knocking at the door. At the surface, Lines three and four do seem like strange, quite peculiar statements contradicting one another. Is Paul saying in line 3 that denying Jesus brings awful consequences, and in the very next line that denying Jesus is okay?

No, I don't think that's the case. Denying Jesus does bring the worst consequences as Jesus himself points out (Specifically in Matthew 25:12 and Matthew 7:23). But line four is not referring to us denying that Jesus died and rose from the dead, but rather, as commentator N.T. Wright points out, "Our faithfulness- our reliability, our stickability, our resolve, our determination to remain 'faithful in the sense of "loyal"- will waver and wobble from time to time" When we are under immense pressure we will find ourselves weak and helpless, at these moments we must learn a faith in the loyal faithfulness and reliability of God, who does not waver or wobble. Talk about a faith full of God's generous grace.



One thing that has come to my attention since I came to Japan is where I find my identity, where do I find my joy? Naturally, I place my identity in myself. I tend to be a people pleaser and want people to like me. So I act in a way to get others' approval and I've become quite good at it. If I feel I'm not measuring up, or someone isn't fair to me, or if someone belittles me I become highly sensitive and get easily offended and even angry at others. This is simply forgetting in whom my identity is placed and trying to exaggerate my significance, when I should think less of myself so God may become bigger. As Paul writes earlier in Ephesians 2:8, "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast." If our faith is based on our actions, it is only to preserve ourselves, when it is the Gospel we must preserve. If we base our faith on attempting to make ourselves good enough, we will not expand the Gospel within our city and our community.

It is in this humble understanding of ourselves, found in Ephesians 2:8, in which we may be strengthened. Paul is not commanding Timothy to find strength in a set of rules, on the contrary, he is reminding Timothy to look to his loving savior and out of a deep joy for Jesus Christ, emulate the mission Jesus Christ had for us. A mission larger than ourselves, a mission which endures suffering, and becomes uncomfortable out of a joy to serve the Lord.


Paul writes Timothy in a deep state of loneliness. Since I came to Japan about two years ago, I've been blessed to experience loneliness at a much more intimate level. When I came to Japan I remember thinking the word "lonely" was to admit my defeat, to admit the culture stress had broken me, that being far away from all my family and most of my friends was just too much, leaving me a lonely, sad mess.

But in the last year, I've come to realize the good in my loneliness. When I become lonely, and look to the Lord, he takes my weakness and through his grace makes me strong. God made his own son vulnerable because he loved us so much. God sent his son to live a perfect and holy life and took all the pain, and all the anguish I deserve, Jesus died at the cross for my sin and pride and selfishness. It is because God came down to us that we may find strength and peace in his grace. When Jesus Christ was loneliest he gave the most. Paul is encouraging Timothy to look to Christ when trials come because it is only by completely trusting Christ that Timothy will have a joy that can sustain him.



Going back to the old testament, the prophet Isaiah is a prime example for us as a demonstration of faith. In Isaiah 6, God appears to Isaiah,  when Isaiah sees God he says, "Woe is me! For I am lost! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips!" Upon seeing the Lord, Isaiah is shamed by his unholiness in the presence of a perfect and holy God. God atones for Isaiah's sin by placing a burning coal on his lips. As soon as this happens, God calls Isaiah on a mission to a people who will never, ever believe, asking "Whom shall I send?" Immediately Isaiah calls out "Here I am! Send me!"

Our sin and mess is not atoned for with a burning coal but rather God's own son Jesus Christ. Upon the strength and compassionate blessing of Jesus Christ's grace, rather than thinking more highly of ourselves we humbly understand our massive shortcomings and sin. After blessing us, we are always immediately called out on mission to bless our communities and live for Christ no matter the cost. And just as it was Jesus Christ's joy to be sent and proclaim the gospel, so it also must be our joy.

If you're lacking this joy in God, if you long for things more than you long for Jesus Christ, trying harder will only lead to further failures, ask God be your strength through his grace.